Why Riverdale sucks

And why I still watch it

Everybody loves a teen drama show, don’t they? It’s just the perfect combination – teenagers, who tend to be horrendously stupid, and drama, created by teenage stupidity, which makes it even more dramatic. Perfect to sit back and fill your brain with just the amount of foolishness you need after a stressful day. Let’s be honest, teen dramas have always been full of stereotypes and dullness. And I guess that’s why they’ve always worked so well. Yet Riverdale brings this concept to a whole new level. Let’s find out why.

So, as you could see from the plot synopsis (which btw is kept incredibly short), there’s not really one genre aside from “teen drama” which fits all seasons of Riverdale. I think this is one of its many problems, if one of the minor ones. Let’s take a look at other teen dramas. Let’s take Pretty Little Liars for example. The genre is clear: teen drama with all the usual love triangles, ups and downs, high school scandals, kissing, sex and break ups etc. And then there’s that “thriller/mystery element” in the show, namely “A”. That “A” person isn’t always the same, I think there’s really three (or four? I don’t remember) different As throughout the seaons, but they’re all after the girls and terrorize them. It sticks to these two elements: teens and mystery/thriller. It doesn’t want to be more than that at any time. All other shows I can think of work that way, they stick to this one huge overall conflict or problem and try to solve it over the seasons. There’s never a big genre mix. Now, Riverdale… Well, of course there is the thriller element in every season. Still, in season one there’s this (SPOILER ALERT) twist at the end where it gets a bit… incestuous. So there’s that. Then this is completely dropped and we get a new killer in season two. But we also get, from the start of season one, these musical elements with Josy’s (the daughter of the town’s mayor) band the Pussycats, Archie’s wannabe music career that is somehow dropped completely somewhere between season two and three if I remember correctly and oh of course, Veronica can sing too and joins Josy and the Pussycats, then Josy goes solo after she fights with her pussycats aaaand so on… Guys, I think you got some great singers in your cast and some great songs but… you just can’t mix Glee with a thriller/ high school plot. Freakin decide already! It’s fun to listen to but it never ever makes any sense at all when it’s worked into an episode.
Then there’s season three, at least what’s online so far. Again, we have a killer on the loose (like the third in a few months, seems legit), but this time there’s some seriously crazy shit going on. This isn’t just any psycho on a spree, this is a psycho that dresses up like some freaking ridiculous monster a child drew in kindergarden and runs through the forest along with his carneval masks crew. And they play some f-ed up game that seems to have supernatural powers and whatever, I’m out. So far we have:
Season one = teen drama thriller incest musical
Season two = teen drama thriller musical with the incest dropped
Season three = teen drama thriller mystery supernatural stuff going on with some of the music dropped (mostly on Archie’s part)
I can’t wait what we’ll get for season four, which has already been announced, god help us all.

I’m not quite sure if it were better without that whole genre mix or just the same, but this show is just faaaar too crammed. Let’s make a list with all the topics packed inside the series, shall we?

– love, couples, relationships… crushes, break- ups, affairs, incest…
– gay romance (one gay and one lesbian couple), which is actually one of the few things the show does really well in my opinion
– a biker gang, the Southside Serpents and coming with it another high school with those little southside brats, Southside High
– drug dealing, mostly carried out by the serpents but of course also by Hiram Lodge, Veronica’s daddykins and who knows who else
– more drug dealing, first it was the “Jingle Jangle”, now this has been dropped and we’re off to a new substance, called “Fizzle Rocks”, dealt by Hiram and god knows who else is pulling the strings here
– corruption, blackmail and all other kinds of crimes carried out by Hiram and Hermione Lodge, who also tend to buy every freaking building and turn it into whatever fits their greedy needs
– music, as mentioned before
– some kind of supernatural board game
– a crazy bunch of parents and due to that several flashbacks to their very own teen drama back when they were in high school
– a mysterious killer named the “Black Hood” who wants to rid Riverdale of its sinners
– the sisters of quiet mercy, the local nunnery (who are easily the greatest pain in the ass, the show has to offer)
– the farm people, some crazy- ass cult Betty’s sister and mother join (oh yeah right, they are actually the greatest pain in the ass, the show has to offer)
– numerous side plots like Chic, Betty’s alleged stepbrother and some other random dude that showed up and ended up being killed by… well no, not going to tell you.
– a murder pinned on one of the protagonists by daddykins of course, that might or might not end him in prison, where there might or might not be some crazy- ass illegal fight club going on
– an election campaign, mostly run by the children of the candidates, cause they’re after all the true adults in this show
– a secret strip club run by Cheryl’s mother
– as if this wasn’t enough, Jughead’s sister and mother surfaced in season three and seem to be planning something mysterious on their own, oh lord have mercy
– aaaand you know, probably a whole lot more that I simply forgot as it wasn’t important or was dropped again or whatever. It’s just too much.

Seriously, this is a problem. A big one. Bringing in so many plotlines doesn’t result in viewers being ever more attentive and curious. It results in viewers being confused, paying even less attention cause they don’t even know what’s important and what isn’t. You can’t focus on that one big overall conflict, because there simply is none. All there is, is a huge mess of actions and plotlines and side characters that might be important some time and side characters that might be introduced and then dropped again and… my head is going to explode. You get the point. To sum it all up: there are far too many storylines due to messy and, sorry, awful, storytelling.

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Another problem about Riverdale is how everything is just soooo over the top. You might not even notice it, cause Hollywood constantly creates that image, but the characters are just so incredibly inauthentic. They’re supposed to be around 16 years old. 16 years!!! Do they act like it? They act like my mum! Seriously, look at Betty. She’s clearing up crimes like some badass detective, running things at home when nobody else is, she’s everything but a child. Archie’s developed into that fight machine, newly punching people half dead and wrestling freaking bears like the Revenant. He too is not a child, although at times he does act a bit like a stupid teenager. Jughead is running his father’s gang while he’s gone, making life and death decisions, organising drug deliveries and whatnot. Veronica doesn’t only enter her father’s dirty business at the age of sweet 16. Nooooo, that would be too boring. She even starts her own equally, but not quite as dirty business to compete against him. They never seem to be at a loss, they even break people out of prison, for fuck’s sake! They’re supposed to be TEENAGERS!!!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love how badass they all are. But I hate how unrealistic this all is. And it’s not only the characters. It’s everything else, as well. No, I’m not saying that tv series have to be totally realistic all of a sudden. They don’t. It’s entertainment, I know that. Still, there’s a line that just shouldn’t be crossed. It’s the line to ridiculousness and Riverdale has made it a thing to jump across that line far too many times.
It’s like, whatever has been happening all along, has been just a tiny little bit ridiculous from the start. Now, I could live with that. But then, in every freaking episode, there’s some event, some storyline going on, that tops it all off again and for a moment, or for several episodes all hell breaks loose, as the line is being jumped and jumped and jumped over again and again and again. By the time you stop jumping to catch your breath you realise that you can’t even see the line anymore, as you’ve just gone so far from reality.

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I guess that’s enough for one post. I’m sure I’d find a lot more problems, but these seem to be the main ones I have with the show. One question remains though. Why do I still watch it? Honestly, I don’t even know. There are always times in which I quit and don’t continue watching for weeks, but then there’s always something inside me that urges me to keep watching. 😀 In some way, it is fun to watch and I don’t completely hate it. I guess in the end, I just need to know what happens next. I need to know how it all turns out in the end. And no matter how unrealistic and exaggerated the characters are – let’s face it, they’re actually all cool to watch and I like how badass they can all get. Also, honestly, I want to be able to join in on Riverdale conversations. It’s soooo much fun to rant about how annoying the last episode was with friends, I simply don’t want to miss this! 😀

What do you think about Riverdale? Do you agree with the problems I mentioned? Let me know in the comments! 🙂

All pictures used in this post are copyrighted by Warner Bros. Television Distribution, Netflix and The CW.